How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you feel anxious when your partner pulls away—or why you tend to retreat the moment things feel too close? Our adult relationships are often shaped by early relational experiences, forming what psychologists call our attachment style.

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labelling yourself—it’s about gaining insight into how you relate, what you need, and how to grow toward deeper, more secure connections.

What Is Attachment Theory in Psychology?

Attachment theory originated with John Bowlby, who proposed that the emotional bonds we form with caregivers in early childhood create templates for how we connect with others later in life. These templates influence our sense of safety, intimacy, and trust.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work, identifying several core patterns of attachment in children—patterns that often show up in adult romantic and close relationships as well.

Types of Attachment Styles in Adults

1. Secure Attachment

• Comfortable with closeness and autonomy

• Trusts others and can express needs directly

• Feels generally safe in relationships

Securely attached adults tend to have had caregivers who were consistent, responsive, and emotionally attuned. This forms a foundation for relational stability and resilience.

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

• Craves closeness but fears abandonment

• Sensitive to changes in tone or distance

• May overanalyse or “people-please” to avoid disconnection

This style often develops when caregiving was inconsistent—sometimes warm, sometimes unavailable—leading to hypervigilance around rejection or loss.

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

• Values independence and self-sufficiency

• May downplay emotions or intimacy

• Withdraws under relational stress

Avoidant attachment can stem from environments where emotions were minimised or needs weren’t reliably met, leading to a belief that relying on others isn’t safe.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment

• Desires connection but fears vulnerability

• Swings between clinging and distancing

• Often linked to trauma or unresolved loss

This pattern tends to emerge from experiences where the caregiver was also a source of fear or unpredictability, making intimacy feel both necessary and dangerous.

Why It Matters in Adult Relationships

Your attachment style can influence:

• How you ask for reassurance

• How you handle conflict

• How you respond to emotional needs

• How you deal with intimacy or independence

For example:

An anxiously attached person may interpret a delayed text as rejection.

An avoidantly attached partner may struggle to stay present during emotional conversations.

Understanding these patterns can reduce blame and increase compassion—for yourself and your partner.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes. Attachment styles are not fixed. With self-awareness, therapy, and emotionally corrective experiences, people can move toward more secure ways of relating.

Partners in a secure relationship can help one another feel safer and more supported, leading to what researcher Dr. Sue Johnson calls earned secure attachment—a powerful reminder that healing is possible through connection.

A Compassionate Lens

If you notice patterns in your relationships that feel stuck, painful, or confusing, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system is trying to protect you based on past experiences. Attachment work isn’t about “fixing” your style—it’s about understanding your needs and learning new ways to meet them.

If you are looking to explore these patterns in your own life, I offer attachment theory-informed counselling.

Further Reading & References

• Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development

• Ainsworth, M. D. S., et al. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change