Boundaries vs. Walls: Protecting Yourself Without Shutting Down

Belinda Cabanes
Jun 11
4 min read

Updated: Jun 13

We hear a lot about the importance of setting boundaries—but what happens when boundaries start to feel more like walls? In relationships, it can be difficult to know when we’re honouring our needs… and when we’re unknowingly shutting others out.

Healthy boundaries protect connection. Walls protect us from it entirely.

Understanding the difference isn’t just helpful—it’s essential to creating relationships that are both safe and emotionally alive.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional, physical, and psychological wellbeing. They help us define what is okay, what is not okay, and how we want to be treated.

Boundaries are:

Flexible (they adapt as relationships evolve)
Communicable (we can express them clearly)
Rooted in self-awareness (we know what we need)

Examples of healthy boundaries:

“I’m not available for phone calls after 9pm.”
“I’m happy to support you, but I can’t cancel my own plans last-minute.”
“I need a break before continuing this conversation.”

As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab puts it, “Boundaries are not just about saying no—they’re about saying yes to yourself.”

What Are Walls?

Walls are emotional defences we build to avoid pain. They often develop when boundaries were ignored, violated, or never modelled for us. While walls can feel protective, they also limit intimacy and growth.

Walls tend to be:

Rigid and all-or-nothing
Built from fear or past wounds
Emotionally isolating

Examples of walls:

“I don’t let anyone get close to me.”
“If someone hurts me, I cut them off immediately.”
“I handle things on my own—I don’t need anyone.”

Walls say: “No one can hurt me if I don’t let them in.” But they also prevent us from being fully seen or supported.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard—Especially for Women

Many people—especially younger women or those raised to prioritise others—learn early that love is about being accommodating and agreeable. Saying no can feel selfish. Expressing needs can feel like we’re too much. So we keep the peace at the cost of ourselves.

You might think:

“If I love them, shouldn’t I just say yes?”
“What if they think I don’t care?”
“Am I being difficult or demanding?”

But boundaries don’t mean we don’t love someone. They mean we’re loving with integrity. If a relationship can’t tolerate your needs, it isn’t being strengthened by your silence.

As Tawwab writes: “Healthy relationships have space for boundaries. If a relationship breaks down because you voiced a need, it wasn’t healthy to begin with.”

Boundaries Say: “I Love You and I Love Me Too”

When you set a boundary, you are not saying, “I don’t care about you.”

You are saying, “I care about us enough to be honest about what I can give—and still stay whole.”

That’s not rejection. That’s mature, relational self-respect.

Healthy Self-Sacrifice vs. Unhealthy Self-Abandonment

Not all giving is equal. Love often includes generosity and flexibility—but constant self-sacrifice at your own expense is not sustainable. Here’s how to tell the difference:

Healthy self-sacrifice:

Comes from a place of choice, not fear
Is occasional and mutual
Leaves you feeling connected or purposeful
Happens after your own needs are considered
Deepens trust and closeness

Unhealthy self-abandonment:

Comes from guilt, obligation, or fear of rejection
Is ongoing and one-sided
Leaves you feeling invisible, drained, or resentful
Replaces your needs with someone else’s
Builds resentment and disconnection over time

Being generous is different from being self-erasing. You can love someone without always giving up your own ground.

Boundaries Protect Connection—Walls Avoid It

Here’s a simple way to tell the difference:

Boundaries:

Are grounded in self-respect
Express your needs clearly and calmly
Make space for closeness without overextending
Are adaptable, not rigid
Create safety within relationships

Walls:

Are built from fear or past hurt
Shut people out without explanation
Prevent emotional intimacy
Are rigid and inflexible
Create safety instead of relationship

Boundaries say: “This is how I can stay close to you and stay connected to myself.”

Walls say: “If I stay behind this door, I can’t be hurt—but I also can’t be seen.”

How to Tell the Difference in Yourself

Ask yourself:

Am I avoiding discomfort, or protecting my peace?
Do I feel clearer and calmer after setting this limit—or resentful and shut down?
Is this helping me stay connected, or helping me avoid connection altogether?
Am I acting from present awareness or past pain?

Boundaries help you stay in relationships with less resentment. Walls remove you from relationships out of fear.

Learning to Build Boundaries with Care

If you weren’t taught how to set boundaries, it can feel vulnerable at first. That’s okay. You’re not being difficult—you’re learning a new way of showing up.

Some ways to begin:

Start small: Choose a situation where the risk is low, but the benefit is meaningful.
Use clear language: Say what you need simply and kindly. No need to overexplain.
Expect discomfort: Especially if others are used to you being overavailable.
Be open to reflection: Boundaries aren’t always perfect—but they’re worth revisiting and refining.

A Final Thought

Walls often start as protection, but over time, they can become isolation. Boundaries, by contrast, are doors that open and close with intention. They help you stay close without losing yourself.

You deserve relationships that honour your need for safety and your capacity for connection. Boundaries help make that possible.