Creating Family Rules: A Neurodivergent-Friendly Guide for Parents of Children with ADHD or Autism

Family rules help create a calm, safe, and respectful home, especially for children who are neurodivergent, such as those with ADHD or autism. But for rules to work well, they need to be concrete, positive, and consistent. Not vague or overwhelming.

This guide draws on the work of Dr. Russell Barkley, an expert in ADHD and executive functioning, and offers practical steps to help you develop clear, manageable family rules that support your child’s needs.

Why Do Family Rules Matter?

Neurodivergent children often struggle with:

• Abstract instructions

• Remembering multiple steps

• Shifting behaviour based on context

• Understanding unspoken social expectations

Clear family rules:

• Create structure and predictability

• Reduce confusion and conflict

• Help children build self-regulation over time

• Support consistency between caregivers

Rules help children with ADHD and autism, who need structure and clarity.

Vague or implied rules are not clear. They must be made external, specific, and consistent.

How to Make Rules That Work

1. Keep It Short and Simple

Stick to 5–7 rules at most. Too many rules can overwhelm a child’s working memory.

• Choose rules that focus on the most important behaviours

• Use simple language that matches your child’s developmental level

• Make each rule about one clear behaviour

2. Use Positive, Observable Language

Say what you want your child to do, not just what to avoid.

Examples:

Vague/Abstract → Concrete

Be respectful → Use kind words and a calm voice

Be responsible → Put your dishes in the sink after eating

Be safe → Keep hands and feet to yourself

Help others → Ask before helping someone

Use your words → Say “Can I have a turn?” or “I need a break”

3. Post the Rules Where Everyone Can See Them

Post your rules in a place where your child can see and refer to them, such as the kitchen, a bedroom wall, or near a family whiteboard or visual schedule.

Use visuals, icons, or colour-coding to support memory and understanding.

4. Teach and Practise the Rules

Many neurodivergent children need rules to be:

• Taught explicitly

• Reviewed regularly

• Modelled and rehearsed

✓ Talk through the rules when everyone is calm

✓ Role-play or demonstrate the rules in real-life situations

✓ Give praise when children follow them (“You used your calm voice — that was great!”)

Ensure your child can recall and apply the rule through repetition and reinforcement

5. Involve Children When Appropriate

Some children can help create the rules, which increases their motivation and understanding. For others, especially those with significant language or regulation challenges, it’s best for parents to set the rules and teach them clearly.

If including your child:

• Ask: “What helps our house feel calm?”

• Offer choices: “Do we say ‘Use kind words’ or ‘Talk calmly’?”

• Let them decorate or help choose icons

6. Use Rewards, Praise, and Gentle Correction

Neurodivergent children respond best to consistent reinforcement. That means catching the behaviour you want to see and reinforcing it often.

Try:

• Praise: “You kept your hands to yourself — that was safe.”

• Visual rewards: Sticker charts, token systems

• Logical consequences: “When we throw toys, we need to take a break from playing.”

Avoid vague corrections like “Be nice” — instead, say: “Try again with kind words.”

7. Adjust as Your Family Grows

Your child’s needs will change, and so might the rules.

Review every few months:

• What’s working well?

• Are any rules unclear or not needed?

• Does your child need new support (like a visual reminder)?

It’s okay to revise. What matters is that the rules continue to provide structure, clarity, and emotional safety.

For free Family Rules templates, visit our Parent Resources page

Optional Additions to Your Rules Chart

• A brief list of family values (e.g. “In our family, we try to be kind, safe, and fair.”)

• A space for individual support strategies (e.g. “When I feel upset, I can take a break.”)

• Visuals, emojis, or colour-coded reminders

• Rewards or 'celebrations' when rules are followed well