Finding Steady Ground: Emotional Regulation for Young Women

We all have moments when emotions feel overwhelming—when anxiety surges unexpectedly, anger rises too quickly, or sadness clings for longer than we’d like. For many young women navigating study, work, relationships, family dynamics, and self-discovery, emotional regulation isn’t just a nice-to-have skill—it’s essential for living with clarity, courage, and connection.

Yet for many, regulating emotions doesn’t come naturally. You might find yourself flooded, numb, reactive, or exhausted. And then you might blame yourself for feeling that way. But here’s the truth: struggling with emotion regulation doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It usually means your system is trying to cope with more than it’s built to handle alone.

What Is Emotional Regulation, Really?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to notice, understand, and manage your emotional responses in ways that are helpful and aligned with your values. That might look like:

• Calming yourself when you’re overwhelmed

• Staying present instead of dissociating or shutting down

• Expressing anger without exploding or collapsing

• Letting sadness move through without spiralling

• Making thoughtful choices even when feelings are intense

But this doesn’t mean “controlling” your feelings or always staying calm. It means creating space between the emotion and your response—space to notice, breathe, choose.

Why It’s So Hard Sometimes

If emotional regulation feels hard, there’s usually a good reason. Some common factors include:

• Early environment: If you grew up in a home where emotions were dismissed, punished, or overwhelming, you may not have had models for healthy regulation.

• Attachment wounds: Insecure or inconsistent caregiving can make it hard to feel safe with your feelings.

• Neurodiversity: ADHD, autism, or sensory sensitivities can affect how emotions are processed and expressed.

• Cultural messages: Many women are socialized to suppress anger, prioritize others’ needs, and “keep it together”—which can create internal tension or shame.

• Trauma and stress: Ongoing or past trauma can lead to heightened emotional reactivity or numbing as protective mechanisms.

If any of this resonates, know this: your reactions make sense in the context of your story. And change is possible—not through force, but through gentle skill-building, support, and self-compassion.

The Role of the Nervous System

Our emotional regulation is deeply connected to the autonomic nervous system, which controls our fight-flight-freeze responses.

• When we’re regulated, we feel safe, grounded, and connected.

• When we’re dysregulated, we might feel anxious, shut down, numb, panicked, or flooded.

We can’t always stop emotions from happening—but we can learn to self-regulate using body-based tools, breath, attention, and intention.

Evidence-Based Techniques That Help

Here are some grounded, research-supported approaches that many young women find helpful.

1. Mindfulness & Emotion Labeling (DBT, ACT, & neuroscience)

When you name what you’re feeling, you engage your prefrontal cortex—the brain’s decision-making center—rather than staying stuck in limbic reactivity.

• “This is anxiety.”

• “I feel angry and tight in my chest.”

Even saying “I notice I’m feeling…” adds distance and clarity. Naming doesn’t erase the emotion, but it regulates your brain’s response to it (Lieberman et al., 2007).

Try: Place your hand on your chest or belly and gently say, “This is [emotion]. It’s here, and I can allow it.”

2. The ACT Approach: Willingness and Values-Based Action

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches that trying to “get rid” of difficult feelings often makes them stronger. Instead, it invites willingness—the courage to sit with discomfort in service of something meaningful.

Try: When a hard feeling arises, ask, “Can I allow this feeling to be here, even if I don’t like it?” Then ask, “What matters to me in this moment?” Let that guide your next move.

3. DBT’s Emotion Regulation Toolkit

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers concrete tools for increasing emotional stability. A few core techniques include:

• PLEASE skills: caring for your Physical health, Eating, Avoiding drugs, Sleeping, and Exercising—because emotional health starts with the body.

• Check the facts: Ask, “Is this emotion justified by the situation? Is it based on assumptions or fears?”

• Opposite action: If an emotion is unhelpful or based on a false belief, try acting opposite to the urge it gives you.

Try: If sadness makes you want to isolate, gently go for a walk or send a voice note to a friend. If anger urges you to snap, try taking three slow breaths and setting a boundary calmly instead.

4. Body-Based Regulation (Polyvagal Theory, Somatic Tools)

Sometimes words aren’t enough. Emotions live in the body, and calming the body helps regulate the mind.

Try:

• Breathing in for 4, out for 6 (longer exhales activate your calming system)

• Cold water on your face or hands

• Paced walking or rocking

• Pressing your feet into the floor and grounding into the present moment

5. Building Emotional Tolerance Over Time

Just like physical endurance builds slowly, emotional regulation improves with practice, not perfection. Each time you tolerate an emotion without shutting down or acting out, you’re increasing your capacity.

This might mean:

• Sitting with discomfort for 2 minutes longer than last time.

• Staying curious instead of judging yourself.

• Reaching out for help instead of isolating.

Progress often looks quiet—but it’s powerful.

Final Thoughts: This Is Tender Work

Learning to regulate emotions isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about learning to befriend your inner world, with all its messiness, sensitivity, and strength.

Some days will feel harder than others. But regulation doesn’t mean feeling perfect. It means being able to return to yourself—again and again—with compassion and choice.

References

• Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change.

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.

• Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.