Parenting a Child with ADHD: Strategies That Work

If your child has recently been diagnosed with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), you may be feeling a mix of emotions: relief at finally having an explanation, worry about what this means for their future, and uncertainty about what to do next.

You are not alone.

Understanding ADHD—what it really is—can transform the way you support your child. It’s not just about attention or hyperactivity. According to Dr. Russell Barkley, one of the foremost experts on ADHD, the core issue is actually something deeper and more complex: a developmental delay in the brain’s ability to regulate behaviour.

Once you begin to see your child through this new lens, your parenting can shift from frustration to effectiveness, and from blame to compassionate leadership.

ADHD: A Disorder of Self-Regulation, Not Just Attention

One of Barkley’s most important contributions is his reframing of ADHD as a disorder of executive function. Executive functions are the brain’s “management system”—the skills that allow us to plan, control impulses, manage emotions, follow through on goals, and keep time in mind.

Children with ADHD aren’t simply inattentive or impulsive. They are developmentally behind in their self-regulation skills, often by 30% or more compared to their same-age peers (Barkley, 2013). This means:

• Your 10-year-old with ADHD may function more like a 7-year-old in terms of emotional control, memory, or task follow-through.

• They may know what to do, but can’t consistently do what they know—especially when emotions are high or distractions are present.

This is not laziness, defiance, or bad parenting. It’s a neurological difference that requires a different kind of parenting—one rooted in structure, empathy, and proactive support.

How Children with ADHD Are Different

Here are some of the key differences, and what they mean for day-to-day parenting:

1. Time Blindness

Children with ADHD live in the “now.” They struggle to hold future goals in mind or connect their current behaviour with future consequences. They may understand rules but struggle to act on them without immediate prompts.

🔑  Parenting adaptation: Use visual timers, countdowns, and immediate feedback. Break long-term goals into short, visible steps.

2. Impaired Working Memory

Working memory is the ability to hold and manipulate information in your head. Kids with ADHD may forget what you just said, even if they were listening. This can make multi-step instructions nearly impossible.

🔑 Parenting adaptation: Give one step at a time. Use visual lists or checklists. Ask them to repeat instructions back to you.

3. Emotion Regulation Difficulties

These children often experience quick, intense emotional reactions, and struggle to calm themselves down. They may have meltdowns or outbursts that seem out of proportion to the situation.

🔑 Parenting adaptation: Stay calm and grounded yourself. Name their feelings. Model regulation and offer calming strategies—but wait until they’ve returned to their “thinking brain” before teaching.

4. Low Inhibition

Kids with ADHD act first and think later. They may interrupt, grab things, blurt out answers, or have difficulty waiting their turn—not because they don’t know better, but because impulse control is underdeveloped.

🔑 Parenting adaptation: Use external structure (e.g. rules, reminders, visual cues) to support internal control. Practice through games that require waiting and turn-taking. Praise self-control when you see it.

5. Inconsistent Performance

Your child may do something well one day and completely forget the next. This inconsistency is common and can be especially frustrating. It’s not wilful—they lack reliable internal self-direction.

🔑 Parenting adaptation: Expect inconsistency. Avoid saying, “You did it yesterday—why can’t you today?” Instead, build in regular prompts, support, and routines.

Shifting the Parenting Mindset: From Correction to Coaching

Barkley strongly emphasises that children with ADHD need more from parents, not less. They require “external scaffolding” to make up for internal delays. This means parenting with more structure, supervision, and compassion—not harshness or over-discipline.

Think of yourself less as a disciplinarian, and more as a coach or scaffolder:

• Anticipate challenges before they arise

• Break tasks into manageable steps

• Use praise and reinforcement far more than punishment

• Stay connected, even in conflict

• Focus on shaping behaviour, not just stopping it

“Your child’s success in life will depend far more on your ability to manage their environment than on your ability to change their brain.”

— Russell Barkley, Taking Charge of ADHD

What Doesn’t Work (and Why)

Barkley’s research shows that some common parenting strategies often backfire with ADHD:

• Delayed consequences (they’re too far in the future to impact behaviour)

• Nagging, yelling, or lecturing (these overload the child’s executive system and escalate dysregulation)

• Punitive systems without rewards (these erode motivation and connection)

• Expecting maturity they haven’t yet developed (setting the child up to fail, repeatedly)

Instead, what works is consistent structure, immediate feedback, clear expectations, and emotional connection.

What Parents Can Do Now

Here are some first steps to take after an ADHD diagnosis:

Educate yourself

Understanding the neurological nature of ADHD reduces blame and increases empathy.

Build external supports

Use visuals, alarms, checklists, reminders, and routines to help your child stay on track. This is not “babying”—it’s developmentally appropriate scaffolding.

You can find resources for routines, checklists and visual aids here.

Stay connected

Nurture the relationship. Make space for joy, humour, and one-on-one time that isn’t focused on behaviour correction.

Focus on regulation before discipline

If your child is dysregulated, they’re not in a learning state. Help them co-regulate first, then talk about behaviour when they’re calm and receptive.

Take care of yourself

Parenting a child with ADHD can be demanding. Prioritise support—for yourself and your family. Therapy, parent coaching, or local ADHD parent groups can make a big difference. I offer parent counselling and a structured 6-week course to help you build calm, confident strategies that work for your family.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone, and You’re Not Failing

Parenting a child with ADHD is a journey that requires patience, flexibility, and ongoing learning. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. But with the right understanding, tools, and support, you can create a home environment that helps your child thrive—not in spite of their brain, but in partnership with it.

ADHD is not a moral failing or a parenting deficit. It’s a difference in brain development that calls for a new kind of parenting: proactive, compassionate, and informed.

You don’t have to do this perfectly. You just have to stay curious, consistent, and connected.

Recommended Resources:

Barkley, R. A. (2020). Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete Authoritative Guide for Parents (3rd Ed.).

Barkley, R. A. (2013). Executive Functions: What They Are, How They Work, and Why They Evolved.

Greene, R. W. (2016). The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children (5th ed.). Harper.

Dawson, P., & Guare, R. (2016). Smart but Scattered: The Revolutionary “Executive Skills” Approach to Helping Kids Reach Their Potential. Guilford Press.

Hallowell, E. M., & Ratey, J. J. (2011). Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood. Anchor Books.

Saline, S. (2018). What Your ADHD Child Wishes You Knew: Working Together to Empower Kids for Success in School and Life. TarcherPerigee.

Goldrich, C. (2015). 8 Keys to Parenting Children with ADHD. W. W. Norton & Company.

Brown, T. E. (2013). A New Understanding of ADHD in Children and Adults: Executive Function Impairments. Routledge.

🌐 Websites

CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder): www.chadd.org

ADDitude Magazine: www.additudemag.com

Understood: www.understood.org

Dr. Sharon Saline: www.drsharonsaline.com

Impact Parents (Elaine Taylor-Klaus & Diane Dempster): www.impactparents.com

🎧 Podcasts

ADHD Experts Podcast – ADDitude Magazine

Tilt Parenting Podcast – Debbie Reber